This is my life.. part I

I was born September 5, 1983 at around twelve midnight. I was named after my grandfather Benjamin and the famous Filipino saint San Lorenzo Ruiz. People called me Jambo because my eyes were so big and I was so fat.

I grew up with my aunts and my lolo. Mom was never around that time. I would stay with may aunts during weekdays and spend Saturday and Sunday in Cubao, with my lolo and cousins. As a kid, I was always bullied by my cousins.I dont know why, but they love doing it. They wont allow me to join their game,they would tease me till I cry, they wont share their toys with me. But I never complained. I didn't fight back. I would patiently wait for them to ask me if I can join them. Back then, I was also the favorite niece (i think). Unlike my cousins, I never asked anything from them but they kept giving me cool stuff and clothes. That made me think that maybe they're jealous because of the things that I am receiving from my aunts or maybe they just don't like me that much.

When I was around five years old, I was part of a car accident. My cousins, aunts and I were going somewhere when a bus hit my uncle's pick-up car. Everything was fast phased. All I remember is I was in a cab with a stranger, my cousin beside me uncouncious, my other cousin crying and my body aching. I saw may aunt in a wheelchair blood allover her face. The next thing I know is we were being transferred to a room and everybody was looking at us.

When mom went home, my life was pretty much the same. I lived like any other kid who spends time watching cartoons and playing out in the streets. When my lolo decided that I have to go with him to Cagayan de Oro because my mom was reviewing for boards, it broke my heart. I wanted to be with my mom all the time, but I had no choice. I just obeyed everything they said.

Living in CDO was quite different. Life was much simpler. I spend most of my days reading and watching TV. My lola and lolo were already old and they were not able to take care of me that much. It was when I turned 11, I started hanging out with my schoolmates. My mom would send me allowance, a couple of hundreds i think. Instead of saving my allowance, I would go to the mall to eat out or watch a movie. As far as I remember, I used to get good grades. Me being part of the honor roll. Participating in every group contest.I was a part of the school's volleyball team.
But as i grow old I find myself asking why i feel so alone most of the time. I started not doing my homework or studying. I would just spend time with my friends. I was not happy anymore.

My lolo died when I was in grade 6, that was the second time I felt my heart break. I was a lolo's girl and accepting the fact that he is gone is quite hard. I didn't cry. I blamed myself though. How I wish I was always their for my lolo. How I wish I took care of him till his last breath. Up until now, I still wish he never died.

I finally graduated from elementary. I had to go to Manila to take some entrance exams. I was going to study in Manila. I would be living with my mom and my step dad. I wasn't excited about it. But hey, all of my classmates wanted to go to Manila and they envied me. I guess I was one lucky girl..



To be continued..

untitled blah blah..

They say its easy to fall in love.
They say its easy to be in a commitment.
They say its easy to feel love,
To embrace love,
To accept love and hold on to it.

And I say..

I dont believe in love at first sight.. I am not the type of person who would fall for someone right away.. I am not numb.. just tough i guess.. People say that i cant be pleased easily.. They're wrong.. I am a very appreciative person.. I am happy when people do nice things for me.. I may not smile a lot.. I may be sarcastic all the time.. FYI, I am human.. I feel happiness too.

I admit that I used to be impulsive when it comes to love. Thought It was magic, I would utter the words " I love you".. Not even thinking if I am really sure of what I feel. Then, when reality comes sinking in, I then realize that it wasn't love but rather just infatuation.

A lot of people broke my heart too. I did a lot of stupid things because of love.Getting drunk, all the cursing and crying. Drama baby! So don't call me lucky, because I also experienced pain..

Mind you, I am not bitter nor a love-hater. I just believe that everything has its own time. No rushing as what I always say. Its better to take one step at a time rather than take a plunge without even thinking if its gonna workout or not.

They say its easy to fall in love.
They say its easy to be in a commitment.
They say its easy to feel love,
But its hard to find someone to love you for what you are and what you are not...

Someday..

Mapapasakin kaden.. onting chaga..onting ipon.. mahahawakan din kita..

Eh birthday ko kase..kaya gusto ko sabihin to!

Aaminin ko...mejo malungkot ako noong kaarawan ko. Birthday blues sabi nang iba. Tingin ko may mas malalim na dahilan kung baket ako nakaramdam nang kalungkutan..hayy..




1. Unang una kase noong umuwi ako nang CDO, gusto ko makilala ang tatay ko. Hindi dahil hihingi ako nang pera o nang mana (pero pwede rin kung bibigyan ako. Lol). Gusto ko lang naman makaharap sya nang personal, makita kung anong itsura nya. Hindi naman ako mag tatanong. Hindi rin ako manunumbat. Gusto ko lang sya makita. Mag pakilala. Siguro sabhin na din skanya na ako anak na di nya kinilala. 27 na ako at nabuhay akong maayos. Nakakalungkot lang isipin na wala syang pakiaalam. Peste sya! sperm lang inambag nya.



2. Noong sumakay na ako nang airplane pauwi nang Manila, mangiyak ngiyak ako habang nag papaalam sa nanay ko at mga kapatid ko. Buti na lang naka shades ako at hindi nila nakikita ang kaulungkutan sa mga mata ko. Hindi naman talaga kame close nang nanay ko. Pate mga kapatid ko hindi na ako msyadong kilala.Pero sa hindi ko ma explikang dahilan, parang ayaw ko nang umuwi nang manila non. Gusto ko doon na lang ako kasama nang nanay ko. Gusto ko makitang lumaki mga kapatid ko. Gusto ko silang bantayan at gabayan. Nalulungkot talaga ako.



3. May mga tao akong nasaktan dahil sa desisyon na ginawa ko. Hindi maganda sa pakiramdam para saakin ang ganon. Kung pwede lang sana ako na lang palage ang nasasaktan tutal sanay naman ako. Napagtibay na ako nang panahon at kaya ko naman inadahin. Kahit sabihin mang maliit na kirot lang naman yung naramadaman nila, nakasakit paren ako. Ayuko nang ganon. Mga taong naging parte nang buhay ko. Mga naging tunay na kaibgan at karamay ko. Pasencia na kayo, alam ko kasalanan ko.



4. Alam ko mababaw, pero may pag kaisip bata talaga ako. Nalungkot ako kase wala akong surprise party. hahaha! Wala man lang nag bigay saken nag bulaklak. May mga nag bigay nang cake at sinamahan ako nung araw nang kaarawan ko. Pinasaya ako. Pinangiti. Ewan ko ba, siguro dahil ang ganda nang birthday ko last year.Kumpleto sa rekado. Hayaan na nga, second childhood lang tong nararamdaman ko.




Patuloy ang pag ikot nang mundo. Isang taon nanaman ang ang bibilangin ko para mag birthday ako. Sana mas marami akong matutunan ngayong taon..Sana mas umayos ang buhay ko..Sana lahat nang panalangin ko matupad..Sana mas marami akong maging kaibigan.. Alam ko naman sa bawat kalungkutang nararamdaman ko, may kapalit na kasayahan. Sa bawat problema may solusyon. Sa bawat saket o luha o hirap na mararanasan ko, alam ko kakayanin ko naman lahat yun. Pero sana talaga next year may surprise party na ako.. Lol.

Happy birthday Jam (27 NA AKO!)

Wishlist ko sa birthday ko:

1. Makilala ko ang totoong tatay ko
2. Umuwi ulet nang Cagayan de Oro
3. Mabili ang mga kapatid ko nang computer
4. Ibigay ang appraisal ko
5. Mag rafting ulet (Level 2)
6. Magkaron nang sapat na ipon
7. Isurprise party nila ako (Lol)
8. Magkaron nang sariling PSP
9. Makita ang mga kapatid ko sa side nang tatay ko ( Wala lang,, gusto ko lang makita kung sino ang mas magandang bungga.. hahahah)
10.Good health at kaligayahan sa pamilya ko..
11. (bonus) Maayos na lovelife..
12. Maging MASAYA palage...
13. Magkron nang madaming TOTOONG kaibigan..



Isang taon nanaman ang lumipas.. patanda ako nang patanda.. baket pakiramdam ko ngayun me kulang saken? Di ko alam... weird.. birthday blues ba to?