Words vs. actions

Often times, my inner voice would bug me. Those voices inside giving me negatives thoughts about my feelings for you. Telling me that you are out of my league and that you're too much for me. My insecurities are killing me, you know that. You even found out that I wanted to break up with you the first few days after I told you "let's give it a shot" (fuck Redhorse, it makes me speak my mind after several bottles). You said I have Inferiority complex, I know the basic meaning of it but I still checked it online -- lack of self- worth, a doubt and uncertainty, and feelings of not measuring up to society's standards. Now I get it.

First of all, I am not like other girls who would parade you in front of a lot of people just so they'd know that my girlfriend is hot. No way, Jose. Don't get me wrong, I am proud to have you as my girlfriend but sometimes I just don't like people staring at us or whispering stuff like "look at the cute lesbian and her ugly girlfriend" or "di sila bagay". This is not my imagination, it happens trust me. Second, the biggest factor is knowing that only 1 or 2 persons know that you have a girlfriend. I've seen pictures of you and your exes in your account. But a picture of us, none. Too afraid of how people would react when they see me? maybe. Lastly, I sometimes get intimidated by you. You don't know this but I am scared of you. Of course, I just pretend that I am strong because I don't want to end up being bossed around.

You tell me that I should stop overthinking but I can't help myself. Is there a reason why you're keeping our relationship low profile? Do you love me because you need me or you need because you love me? Now don't you tell me to chill and enjoy, I want answers.

Fine, I'll give you credits when it comes to sweet words. You're damn good when it comes to promises and pick up lines. That's one of the reasons why I fell for you. Lol.


I'll give you an A+ when it comes to words, but a -D when it comes to actions.

Go figure..

Just so you know..

"I love you even if only my friends knows about it".

Those are the exact words that I told you when I found out that none of your friends know that you already have a girlfriend. It made me more jealous of your ex girlfriend. You know why? Because you posted a picture of you kissing her in one of the social media sites and proclaimed that you're willing to be weird just for her. Makes me wonder, is your love for her that great compared to what we have right now?

I know its bad to compare, but sometimes you can just be insensitive you know. Assuring me that you love me and that you will never leave me can be so comforting. But the thought of keeping our relationship a secret puzzles me. Am I not good enough for you? Am I too ugly? Aren't you proud to have me as your girlfriend?

A friend of mine told me I should understand you because you have commitment issues. That maybe you are not yet ready to tell the whole world that you have a girlfriend. But can you give me a timeframe, because I'm growing impatient.

Just so you know, even If I tell the whole world how much I love and adore you, It would not be half as great knowing that you're not doing the same thing.. Just so you know..

What a feeling..

It's a great feeling when your other half is making you experience the things you've never tried doing before. Every time I am with her, I feel so alive. If I have the power to stop time, I would freeze time so I'd get to spend more time with her.. Make her feel how much I love and value her. Look at her and tell her "I love you" without batting an eye.

Like normal lovers, we do fight sometimes. I am a very stubborn person, but with her I'm learning the word "sorry".. I am trying to reach out so we'd stop arguing. I am trying to patch things up right away and make sure that I never make her feel bad. In fairness, ang haba nang pisi ko.

The other side of me is slowly emerging.. My other side that I hid for the longest time. I've guarded myself for almost 7-8 years just because I almost died when I lost my greatest love. The great pain that I have experienced made me numb. I am not saying that I didn't love my ex girlfriends, because I did.. but not 100%. I love them enough to keep the relationship.  Enough to make them feel secured. Enough to hold on and try.

But now, I am opening my heart. I am willing to give her the love that she deserves.. 80%..90%.. even 95%... I know its too early to say this, but hey I already took the risk so I might as well enjoy the ride. If it doesn't work the way I want it to be, well that's life... yes, ill cry.. I'll be sad.. but I will never regret all the decisions that I made when we were together. I'll never blame myself for loving her too much..

:)