What I'd give for a mind boggling surprise..

I have never been surprised before. Well, people attempted to give me surprise birthday parties, but I can sometimes be very nosy to the extent that I ruin their plans. Annoying girl, I know. I cant help it, I wanted to know what they're up to. Being an analytical person, I tend to notice everything. You know, analyze the  movements, moods and gestures of the people around me. Those eye-to-eye-contact-prentend-to-talk-about-something-else-because-I-am-around or phishing-for-information-pretending-were-just-having-a-regular-conversation. Please, that wouldn't work for me. You may think its funny but I am very assuming when it comes to stuff like that. Weird, oh yes..

But seriously speaking, If ever someone would pull off a good surprise, I'd probably cry. The feeling of being caught off guard (in good way) makes me feel good all over. It's more than getting butterflies inside my stomach or drinking hot chocolate when its raining outside. I imagine myself standing in front of a lot people, jaws dropped and eyes almost popped out. The sudden rush inside my body and my heart ready to burst. Total Bliss!


How I wish I would experience that kind of moment. I promise to savor every second and I assure you, I would be the happiest girl in this planet.

Like  Pat Benatar's song,  HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT..


Surprise me!
:)

Words vs. actions

Often times, my inner voice would bug me. Those voices inside giving me negatives thoughts about my feelings for you. Telling me that you are out of my league and that you're too much for me. My insecurities are killing me, you know that. You even found out that I wanted to break up with you the first few days after I told you "let's give it a shot" (fuck Redhorse, it makes me speak my mind after several bottles). You said I have Inferiority complex, I know the basic meaning of it but I still checked it online -- lack of self- worth, a doubt and uncertainty, and feelings of not measuring up to society's standards. Now I get it.

First of all, I am not like other girls who would parade you in front of a lot of people just so they'd know that my girlfriend is hot. No way, Jose. Don't get me wrong, I am proud to have you as my girlfriend but sometimes I just don't like people staring at us or whispering stuff like "look at the cute lesbian and her ugly girlfriend" or "di sila bagay". This is not my imagination, it happens trust me. Second, the biggest factor is knowing that only 1 or 2 persons know that you have a girlfriend. I've seen pictures of you and your exes in your account. But a picture of us, none. Too afraid of how people would react when they see me? maybe. Lastly, I sometimes get intimidated by you. You don't know this but I am scared of you. Of course, I just pretend that I am strong because I don't want to end up being bossed around.

You tell me that I should stop overthinking but I can't help myself. Is there a reason why you're keeping our relationship low profile? Do you love me because you need me or you need because you love me? Now don't you tell me to chill and enjoy, I want answers.

Fine, I'll give you credits when it comes to sweet words. You're damn good when it comes to promises and pick up lines. That's one of the reasons why I fell for you. Lol.


I'll give you an A+ when it comes to words, but a -D when it comes to actions.

Go figure..

Just so you know..

"I love you even if only my friends knows about it".

Those are the exact words that I told you when I found out that none of your friends know that you already have a girlfriend. It made me more jealous of your ex girlfriend. You know why? Because you posted a picture of you kissing her in one of the social media sites and proclaimed that you're willing to be weird just for her. Makes me wonder, is your love for her that great compared to what we have right now?

I know its bad to compare, but sometimes you can just be insensitive you know. Assuring me that you love me and that you will never leave me can be so comforting. But the thought of keeping our relationship a secret puzzles me. Am I not good enough for you? Am I too ugly? Aren't you proud to have me as your girlfriend?

A friend of mine told me I should understand you because you have commitment issues. That maybe you are not yet ready to tell the whole world that you have a girlfriend. But can you give me a timeframe, because I'm growing impatient.

Just so you know, even If I tell the whole world how much I love and adore you, It would not be half as great knowing that you're not doing the same thing.. Just so you know..

What a feeling..

It's a great feeling when your other half is making you experience the things you've never tried doing before. Every time I am with her, I feel so alive. If I have the power to stop time, I would freeze time so I'd get to spend more time with her.. Make her feel how much I love and value her. Look at her and tell her "I love you" without batting an eye.

Like normal lovers, we do fight sometimes. I am a very stubborn person, but with her I'm learning the word "sorry".. I am trying to reach out so we'd stop arguing. I am trying to patch things up right away and make sure that I never make her feel bad. In fairness, ang haba nang pisi ko.

The other side of me is slowly emerging.. My other side that I hid for the longest time. I've guarded myself for almost 7-8 years just because I almost died when I lost my greatest love. The great pain that I have experienced made me numb. I am not saying that I didn't love my ex girlfriends, because I did.. but not 100%. I love them enough to keep the relationship.  Enough to make them feel secured. Enough to hold on and try.

But now, I am opening my heart. I am willing to give her the love that she deserves.. 80%..90%.. even 95%... I know its too early to say this, but hey I already took the risk so I might as well enjoy the ride. If it doesn't work the way I want it to be, well that's life... yes, ill cry.. I'll be sad.. but I will never regret all the decisions that I made when we were together. I'll never blame myself for loving her too much..

:)

I love you

9 minutes before the my shift ends.. This is going to be one quick post..



I love you,
Those three letter words means a lot to me,
I don't say it because I just like saying it..
I say it because that's how I really feel,
It came from my heart..
I love you and I will continue telling this to you
Until the day you asked me not to..



Makes sense? Not sure.. But that's what I feeling right now.. I am so dead, I think I am in love with her.. yikes! I can't control it.. Help!

no title just words in my head..

In mid January you came back and my whole life changed in an instant,
I never knew that platonic love can change so quickly,
You gave me butterflies in my stomach,
You gave me hope that yes, maybe love do really exist.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the luckiest girl because I get to be with you,
Hug you, kiss you and hear those sweet words you tell me everyday,
But I am scared to death knowing that everybody wants you,
You're an eye candy that's for sure,
And they'd do anything to snatch you away from me.
It then makes me wonder,
Am I really lucky?
Or do I have to fight everyday just to make sure that you stay with me?

Your smile, those eyes, the sound of your voice calms me,
The words that you say always lingers in my head,
The assurance that you're giving me strengthens the wall that I built for the
two of us,
But why am I still unsure of you?
Why am I still insecure?

30 days after, we are still together,
trying to work things out,
erasing all the doubts,
It's not going to be easy I know it wont,
Sometimes it's going to be a bit messy,
But I say bring it on,
As long as you keep holding my hand,
and promise to love me,
I swear I will stay,
and love you endlessly..

I'm falling in love again...

I was never a risk taker when it comes to love. I always make sure that if I would enter a relationship, the person I am to be with loves me more or I know her to well so I can easily manipulate her. Sigurista ako, ayoko nang nasasaktan ako agad agad. The only time I experienced great pain because of love was way back 2004 or 2005, I don't even want to remember that.

I've been technically single for 3 months when this person came to my life. Well, I already dated this person once (late last year) and I find her very attractive, not to mention she is career driven and smart. But for some effin reason (I don't want to mention it anymore), the relationship didn't materialize and the communication was cut. So I continued living my life, trying to do damage control and enjoying what it has to offer. I was not expecting to be in a relationship anytime soon for I was having fun. Work is great, the pay is good and I have awesome friends. I couldn't ask for more.

And then she came back. After telling me that her relationship was on the rocks, we started talking again. I already accepted the fact that I am in the friend zone and I was not expecting anything more to happen. I was also not thinking that someone like her would like someone like me. But boy things happened so quickly and the next thing I knew we were together, we became lovers.

It definitely scares me big time because I am starting to write a new love story. I don't know her too well and I don't know what's in store for me. I am scared to love her too much and not getting the same amount of love that I am giving. I am scared that I may end up crying.

Though she already promised me that she will never hurt me or make me cry. At the back of my mind, the fear of loving someone like her weakens my soul. I tried so hard to keep myself guarded but as days go by, my feelings for her gets stronger and stronger. My mind tells me NO, but my heart says YES. I am surely going to be in deep trouble once I completely fall under her spell.

Oh god help me! the last thing I would want to experience right now is a heart break.



*Background music: Eagle-Eye Cherry - Falling in love again - YouTube *

Update..Update din pag may time.

Oh yes, a lot of things happened to me. First, I ended my 3 years on-off relationship and decided that were better off as friends na lang talaga. Second, I bought a new TV (well, hulugan sya pero atleast may bago na), Third I tried meeting my biological father (FAIL!), fourth I got another tattoo, fifth I went home last May (CDO), sixth I got a new phone (I remember saying na I don't like touch screen phones, kinain ko sinabi ko), seventh I was able to get my NBI clearance na (yehey), eight Nakapunta na ako nang Boaracay, Ninth, I dated 2  uber cute lesbians (well the other one was like crush mo ko crush kita thing, and yung isa naman nagging gf nang friend ko na nag reto saken sakanya. LOL)  and lastly, I finally had the courage to resign and move to a different company.

I wouldn't say 2013 is a bad year for me. I mean, yes I did experience a lot of down falls but I still managed to stand up and continue with my life. I learned a lot of things and it helped became a better person.

For now, I am more focused with my new job.  I know I am not the type of person who can't live without a girlfriend. Pero as you grow old pala, you come to realize what your priorities are talaga. I mean It would be nice to be with someone who will always be there for you, take care of you, love you and understand you. But then again, dumating siguro ako sa point na I got tired of the whole set up. Kaya nga for a change, I decided to be single muna (almost 3 months na, achievement yan!). I do experience the single syndrome moments minsan (lalo na when I hear love songs or may nakikita akong couple), pero I always tell myself, darating din yung taong yun kung sino man sya. For now, I'll just enjoy life, pamper myself and love myself more.

Ang dami kung stories na gustong ishare, yung iba nakalimutan ko na sa sobrang tagal na wala akong access sa blog ko. I also wanted to continue the lesbian story that I started, pero wala pa ako maiisip. Haha, napaka lame nang entry na to, wala ng masabe. But one things for sure, its nice to be back!

:)